Family Ties

People are often defined by their relationships. Whether it is by themselves or by others .... whether or not it is their choice. How often do you read in the paper "mother of two" as a description of someone? Or "local grandfather"? Or words to that effect. Relationships with others are part of what makes us people.

It was my mother's birthday the other day and so we all went out for dinner. It made me think. Despite the fact I have lived out of home for more then ten years, been married twice and have three children if someone asks me who is in my family I still list my parents, all my siblings, my children and my niece and nephew. In my head "extended family" includes my in-laws and cousins and people like that and my children are too closely a part of me that I don't need a separate term to define how they belong to me.

Similarly the term "mother" I find hard to place. I have never once put "mother" or "domestic duties" as my employment. I have always been a "student" or been in paid employment as well. This is not to say that being a mother is not the hardest job there is! Please don't get me wrong .. but for me it has never been my "job". I just don't think of it the same way I do as my paid employment or the various volunteer roles I have done.

I have been asked recently but a 16 year old friend what it is like to be a mum. Do you think I could answer? Instead I stared blankly. A girl a met at uni this semester found out I had school aged daughters was genuinely excited that it meant I got to do things like make school lunches. One comment that has always stuck in my head was at a party and someone saying to me it was good I could talk about things other then my kids because so many parents couldn't (don't get me wrong ... I still talk about them a LOT). I studied the full time through my first two pregnancies and part time through my third and over the years have spent so much time justifying my decision to work or to have kids to different people depending on what they thought I should be doing with my life ... or what they thought a "good" mum should be. I've done the juggling act and made changes as our needs have changed - mine and theirs - and most definitely had my fair share of guilt about the choices I have made. My babies are the centre of my universe, but I am not ashamed that they are not my entire universe. I am a mum, but I am also a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student. I work, I go out, I make choices, I make mistakes .... and finally, in the last few weeks I think I have come to a definition of what being 'mum' is to me .... for me (and this may not be the best definition for everyone) but for me being a mother is not my career, it is not my 'label' .... I would consider it more of a lifestyle choice .... and from now on I think that is what I will tell people... if nothing else it might help them think about what their concept of a being a mother (or indeed a parent) is .... and did I mention I wouldn't have my life any other way??

Now ... I have no intention of spending all my time writing about various relationships ... but if this is about me writing about me and my life it sort of becomes relevent by default. That said I promise I will write about something more interesting next time .....